What could only be a dream

I had a dream she asked me to write, write down all the words I had ever said to her, she told me she loved despite anything else she had ever said to me, she had never asked anything from me; I happily obliged over excited. I dreamt that despite what she said she would give me my happy ever after, not the fairy tale version, she knew I loved them but that was never what I wanted. I dreamt that I would write it all down, despite the amount of time it would take. In my dream she sat beside me, almost touching; as I watched her eyes skim over the pages replaying every moment. I watched all the different emotions play across her face, the smiles, the bowed eyebrows in confusion, I watched the anger play across her face, a smile, every tear that fell down my face matched hers, a smile. I dreamt that her smiles were my second favorite moments as I watched every emotion. I hated watching tears run down her face knowing I had put them there, she would scoot a little closer to me and grab my hand; we had never been this close before, my thumb would gently stroke across the back of her hand, soft and tired, a smile would start to form, in the moments I had made her cry were always followed by a smile, I’ve always had that ability, her smile too addictive to allow the frown to make home on her face. I dreamt that those were my favorite moments, despite how bad the pain was I could always make a smile grace her. I dreamt that she looked at me with a half smile, her hand still locked in mine she whispered to me “this is not enough.” Unsure of what she could possibly mean, those were all the words I had said to her I was sure of it, I dreamt that the look in her eyes was not one of disappointment because I had forgotten something I had said, there was a sadness there for words I had never spoke to her, only she did not know herself where this sadness was coming from. Knowing I had to keep the smile on her face, I made the missing words into a scavenger hunt, I hid verses all over the house of words that were meant to spoken now. I watched as she playfully searched the house, she found the first verse hidden in the coffee pot, I watched the confusion play through her eyes, she couldn’t remember me ever saying that to her, her eyebrows shot up, a crooked grin lit her face as she realized what she was looking for; with a new excitement for this game she kept up the search. She found the second verse buried in the freezer, hidden under the Ice Cream no one really ate, the third verse was carefully placed in one of her notebooks, that verse was meant to be wrote into one of her stories; it belonged there. I dreamt that she spent the next hour searching for the final verse, I watched and waited as she grew tired and impatient and on the verge of giving up. She looked at me angry and desperate to read the final verse, I dreamt that I walked over to her a smile across my own face, I grabbed both her hands despite her anger and urge to pull away from me, I felt her body loosen as I pulled her close to me “It’s here” I said as I spoke words that could only be true “I love you” her smile. I dreamt that.. well it’s my dream, somethings are meant for only me.

Introduction

Forcing someone into the world of others will always be wrong, they’ll come to realize how far they are from where their passions rightfully belong.  I have a vision and mind that is creative with no holds, turning blank pages into art with daily thoughts from me.  The poems on this former white paper showing only lines are far from just words, creating verses that will make you think and have you saying ‘She’s good at this.’  Like the blood that flows through everyone’s veins giving oxygen to pump your heart, bringing life you’ll come to see I am the same because I was made for this.  Organizing words in a way that may only make sense to me is the only way I have ever known how to express this amazing chaos I keep hidden under my chest.  No longer can I allow my creative mind to lay at rest, I have been there before I know what happens next; a lifetime of nothing but shame and regret.  I have broken free from a so-called reality I thought I belonged to, a dream planted in the minds of all the children who were left behind.  We are all from the home of the brave, so they say but none of us were ever really free.  They gave us prescriptions to alter our minds, making us believe in a lie they call reality, forcing our lives to be as fake as Ken and Barbie.  No thanks, that is not the life for me I will protect my sanity, my will belongs to me.  No longer believing if I were someone else I would be happy.  I no longer feel lost because I am no carbon copy of those who tried to program me.  Being different is a gift that I made for myself, all you need to know is who have failed at controlling me.  Keep that in mind as you read through these pages of my words that I have thoughtfully arranged, these words are the only reason I have ever known me, the sole reason your attempt to brainwash never came to be, if you decide to read on I have only two words of advice; read carefully.

Nothing is bliss

Haha look at me I am nobody
I sleep where I lie
I believe nothing is set in concrete
You’ll find that I am quite shy
I think of much deeper thoughts
That I’ll never speak
Life is profound, imagination, ideologies
I lack luster, taste and apathy
Most days I see, I hear and I feel
With the eyes, ears and heart of another
Confusing not knowing which emotions belong to me
Spirituality? No, psychology
I do not worry about an empty sky
No god above no devil below
Do not pity me because I cannot see the false reality
Or this love in my heart
No hate for the enemy
Your feelings towards my lifestyle show your handicap-never mind
It’s just as invisible as my minds interpretation of your moral interactions
This is meaningless
Yet we keep on, we persist
Form that line, find your place to stand
Read the signs
Your brain must be this small to fit in
In the world today who needs common sense?
What do I know? Do not follow my lead
Read above I am nobody
Because when I am nothing I feel bliss

No end

Locked in a room
No space to move
A fire is churning
Like the candle burning
I am going insane
Only this will stop any pain
Thinking of how my heart will race
I’ve found a way to stay in this place
I feel the warmth against my skin
I’ll do it again never wanting this to end
I look up no ones around
What is this home I have found

Where I’m from

I came from a family with no love to spare
Slow to realize no one really cared
Always searching for a way to be loved
All I ever found were drugs
My hands always trembled, body coated in sweat
It was my own life I came to regret
Alone in my room leaving memories behind
I would do anything to erase the images in my mind
They took me to a world that was mine alone
A place where I could finally hold my own
In this world I created in my head
I felt alive, no longer hanging by a thread
Being high I knew I wasn’t a coward
No, I made myself believe I had power
Everything was new drugs gave me a clean slate
But pieces of my sanity they would take
Living that way was not as perfect as I believed
The life I was living was ill conceived
Self-harm and suicidal plans fueled by withdrawal
After everything I survived there is no more room to fall
Ending my life was one wrong I could right
My mind is fucked and I’m too tired to fight

No cure

I’m a maniac don’t leave me alone

To you I’m nauseated from an illness unknown

There’s no antidote for me

Considering I am ahead of my time

You can only see what’s in front of your eyes

This madness is with me standing in line

As we all wait to be apart of another victim less crime

Life’s fall apart because we choose to pretend

Countdown with me as we wait for the end

My insanity knows we can set another trend

Stand beside me if you have a hand to lend

You can’t hide from this

It’s like pulling your own teeth

For we suffer so much just to find whatever is underneath

Whatever it is that covers the truth

Buried alive within the sands of time

Welcome to my world

Come in, have a look into my world

Be careful please step over my crumbled dreams

Welcome to my world desolate and lonely

Listen carefully to what I say

My screams are soundless

My voice silenced by all my words

My heart black as coal

So you should think

Welcome to my nightmare

Over here you’ll find a building 

This is my shelter for sadness 

My safeguard of war

Don’t touch the cracked glass

Your blood doesn’t belong here

Take my hand I’ll lead you to the beach

Frigid sands of damaged hope and sorrow

No castles were ever built here

No time to play I have somewhere to be 

This is my world

Once bright with love and innocence

Don’t strain your eyes to see

It’s now lies and deception 

Conceal my vision 

To cloak the horror I see

At times I wish to die

The void is calling out to me

Cover your ears you don’t need to hear

Welcome to my punishment

Asylum to the darkness 

Home of the corrupt

The forgotten sands often call for me

I cannot disregard it 

I fade into the dark

Have you realized yet?

You cannot see what I see 

This is my burden 

My smile stolen by the beast 

The one who demolishes my peace

No hope for me

No escape from this torment 

The screams haunt me in the only shelter I know 

The darkness there will always captivate me

Do not speak of what you may see 

The beast scornful laugh 

It bleeds into me

His hands covered in blood

The blood is dry 

Welcome to my dream 

He doesn’t yet know you are here 

The ill beast eyes are burning black 

His forbidden voice tells me I am dead 

I smell him

His horrid breath smells of death 

I cannot save me 

The agony he brings 

My heart begs to be torn out 

I built a place for you to run 

It’s untouched 

To save you from all the lives here 

The beast has done this so many times before 

It is my blood the covers his hands 

How sacred he whispers in my ears

Each time you are mine 

He sighs, close to me 

I control your world 

It happens again 

You make it easy for me 

Welcome to my world

Leave now 

Before you get lost 

You don’t want to meet the beast that follows me