We are no more but I am me.

When you leave, the thought of you remains, containing nothing to spite the pain.  Pleasuring moments are no longer happy, saying I love you wont kill the argument.  Your arms no longer are they safe.  The sun becomes the moon, hiding in the darkness we are no more.

 

Am I wrong in this thought or has everyone had that someone they let get away with too much for too long? I like to believe that everyone has had that someone, it’s comforting.  I know a few people who do and I always think; what is wrong with them? why can’t they see them for what they really are and move on? Then I realized it was happening to me.

10 years, that’s how long it took me, after 1 I should have walked away, probably sooner.  When I finally realized all that was REALLY happening, I felt like a dumbass, acted like an idiot, blind to the truth and wtf was I thinking that whole time?  there was a few times when I had moments of clarity and I knew this friendship was a terrible thing, that is was tearing me apart and I was completely unhappy but I kept going back, why? I thought there was a deep forbidden love hidden behind her actions and words.  I thought she loved me and she was just scared of real love, so she ran and hid behind abusive relationships with other people and for 10 years she allowed me to believe that.

She fed into it to keep me where she wanted me because she knew how I felt, she kept in her net, alone, hurt and desperate for her attention.  I was going to succeed and I was going to show her what love really is.  She never wanted that tho, all she wanted was for me to remain her loyal human pet, her punching bag, someone she could treat the way she allowed others to treat her.

That’s her game she draws people in.  I once asked her how many people had been in love with her? I knew the answer, just about everyone she had ever met. The truth is she lives for the abuse giving and receiving.  I know now that she don’t know feelings or emotions, I don’t believe she feels them, she don’t understand them.  What she does understand is marketing.  With her complex network of people, what their  uses are, how they benefit her and her only and when she starts to lose them she knows exactly how to pull them back in, I was the perfect client for her, a hopeless romantic who is socially awkward, loyal to the ones I love.  She played that for so long.  I watched her shun and leave her own kids behind for the sake of herself and whoever she was using for the time.

10 years, 10 freaking years was I stupid for that long? no, that’s just me, it takes a lot for me to give up on something I truly believe.  I may stumble and fall but I refuse to give up, to walk away when I felt I could do something, make something better for someone, even if it hurt me in the process, physically, mentally and financially.

All the tears, heartbreak and pain those 10 years was from watching someone else have her, hold her, love her, with me sitting and watching, jealous and angry as they never treated her the way she deserved.  They didn’t, they treated her the way she wanted, every one of them knew her better than I thought, they knew her better than I, all this so she can turn it around to make people feel bad for her, for having a hard life so she could draw them into her network with her sad stories and fake innocence she gives off.  They think they can do her better, or promise to do such but it’s all the same.  She could really make a career in marketing and networking if she were smart enough to realize or if she wasn’t so evil.

I am the type of person who looks beyond, I like details and knowing why.  9 months I have been free of her with no stumbling back, her life is no concern of mine and I do not wish or want to have any contact with her but I want to know why, I need to know every complete detail of who I was around her and why I let her get away with it for so long, not just the ones listed above I know there is more to me in this situation.

One time MY car window was busted out at her house on a saturday night, I found it sunday morning,  I called KSP, filed a report, busted the rest out and took the car to a different location while I waited for my insurance company to send someone to fix it, went to my other job that I was late arriving to, got up monday morning and a friend of mine gave me a ride to my primary job, my mother picked me and took me to my car and I met the guy to fix the window.  Now she made it about her, called everyone she knows, came out when the cops was there to tell her story, went to Facebook and made a post about how pissed she was that someone came on her property and busted HER car window out, called into work Monday morning.  Our boss was more than a little surprised to see me there she said “I figured you wouldn’t be here today, Christina said she had to go get that settled and taken care of.” To which I responded “it’s all settled, the report has been filed, insurance was notified and it was my car window, I just need to leave early to me the guys replacing my window, I do not know what she’s doing.”  That monday I went to her house to get my dog and I have not gone back.

It was not just that event that caused me to walk away, a while before that I wanted to, I had even lived in my car  for a couple of months to get away from her, with nowhere else to go I would have been fine but my dog was not so I went back.  Luckily right after that another and newer friend of mine invited me and my dog to stay with her, I did not want to burden her, I did not want to bring my troubles to her, 10 months later I am thankful that I finally took that offer, I have never been more me.

 

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