So about the other night

I am drawing a complete blank, not a damn thing coming to mind all though i have too many thoughts in my head, not a single one of them goes together, if they do then I just cannot keep up, I cannot place them in the proper order.  Yes I have picked up the notebook and my favorite pen, scribbled and doodled all over it.  I have torn out exactly 5 pages and Xed through 10; I have taken some time to stop and read what others have wrote, been through a list of writing prompts (which turned out comical to me, I shall post that later) and here I am, writing this garbage again.  Blah blah blah am I really going through this stage again? So soon!

UGH!

The time was 9:32 PM, outside was dark, the weather calm and all the creatures of the night were settled in their favorite spots in the grass, trees and bushes.  I can’t really tell if they were all talking to each other, talking over each other, throwing a rad party of which that we will never witness or maybe these little creatures were just screaming, screaming their revenge for the amount of noise and the many times us humans disturb them during the day.  OH! One more theory; they may just be doing what I do when I am outside at night time, cussing out and yelling at the worst offenders; the mosquitoes.

The scene inside the house is a completely different story, there is but one light on, on the bottom floor of the house, probably a couple upstairs as well but no need to picture that I will not be writing about that part of the house.  We enter through the front door and please do not let those mosquitoes in! The first thing we will notice is the smell of coffee, always perfect this time of night.  It is a slightly tense atmosphere, Captain is on the computer working for a few extra bucks in her tie-dyed shirt and her sleeping shorts; determined to get as much done as possible to make up for the hours she is losing at work.  Not much to be said other than that, if you know her you know that posture… Stay clear she is anxious, stressed and in a hurry to get through those, we haven’t had a decent conversation in days but it’s ok because I know she works.  Next I was going to describe the sound of my dog pacing through the house, obsessively cleaning herself, and scratching wherever she can reach BUT as I looked over at her she stopped, mid scratch right next to the desk Captain is sitting at and gave me the weirdest look, OH SHIT.. She knows I am about to talk about her so moving on.

The couch; my home, my bed, my hangout and my writing space when the computer is occupied.  In this dimly lit room we hear the clicking of paws, the clicking of the computer mouse, the screaming bugs and a random thump, oh shit what have the cats done now? Pan over to me wearing an old pair of basketball shorts and a white tank top, pale legs and half tanned arms.  Sitting on the flowery old but reliable couch, (don’t need anything fancy with as many animals as we have new is bad.. 7 cats, 2 dogs and 2 turtles) This is where I am right now with crumbled up paper, empty pen, tablet, ashtray and Pina Colada flavored Sobe surrounding me.  With my trusty notebook in my lap and my 2nd favorite pen in my hand.  Unfortunately this is where this story ends, I am here I have been writing this real small hoping something wonderful will strike but time as caught up with me and this is still all I have.  Time 9:59 PM maybe I should call it a night?

We are no more but I am me.

When you leave, the thought of you remains, containing nothing to spite the pain.  Pleasuring moments are no longer happy, saying I love you wont kill the argument.  Your arms no longer are they safe.  The sun becomes the moon, hiding in the darkness we are no more.

 

Am I wrong in this thought or has everyone had that someone they let get away with too much for too long? I like to believe that everyone has had that someone, it’s comforting.  I know a few people who do and I always think; what is wrong with them? why can’t they see them for what they really are and move on? Then I realized it was happening to me.

10 years, that’s how long it took me, after 1 I should have walked away, probably sooner.  When I finally realized all that was REALLY happening, I felt like a dumbass, acted like an idiot, blind to the truth and wtf was I thinking that whole time?  there was a few times when I had moments of clarity and I knew this friendship was a terrible thing, that is was tearing me apart and I was completely unhappy but I kept going back, why? I thought there was a deep forbidden love hidden behind her actions and words.  I thought she loved me and she was just scared of real love, so she ran and hid behind abusive relationships with other people and for 10 years she allowed me to believe that.

She fed into it to keep me where she wanted me because she knew how I felt, she kept in her net, alone, hurt and desperate for her attention.  I was going to succeed and I was going to show her what love really is.  She never wanted that tho, all she wanted was for me to remain her loyal human pet, her punching bag, someone she could treat the way she allowed others to treat her.

That’s her game she draws people in.  I once asked her how many people had been in love with her? I knew the answer, just about everyone she had ever met. The truth is she lives for the abuse giving and receiving.  I know now that she don’t know feelings or emotions, I don’t believe she feels them, she don’t understand them.  What she does understand is marketing.  With her complex network of people, what their  uses are, how they benefit her and her only and when she starts to lose them she knows exactly how to pull them back in, I was the perfect client for her, a hopeless romantic who is socially awkward, loyal to the ones I love.  She played that for so long.  I watched her shun and leave her own kids behind for the sake of herself and whoever she was using for the time.

10 years, 10 freaking years was I stupid for that long? no, that’s just me, it takes a lot for me to give up on something I truly believe.  I may stumble and fall but I refuse to give up, to walk away when I felt I could do something, make something better for someone, even if it hurt me in the process, physically, mentally and financially.

All the tears, heartbreak and pain those 10 years was from watching someone else have her, hold her, love her, with me sitting and watching, jealous and angry as they never treated her the way she deserved.  They didn’t, they treated her the way she wanted, every one of them knew her better than I thought, they knew her better than I, all this so she can turn it around to make people feel bad for her, for having a hard life so she could draw them into her network with her sad stories and fake innocence she gives off.  They think they can do her better, or promise to do such but it’s all the same.  She could really make a career in marketing and networking if she were smart enough to realize or if she wasn’t so evil.

I am the type of person who looks beyond, I like details and knowing why.  9 months I have been free of her with no stumbling back, her life is no concern of mine and I do not wish or want to have any contact with her but I want to know why, I need to know every complete detail of who I was around her and why I let her get away with it for so long, not just the ones listed above I know there is more to me in this situation.

One time MY car window was busted out at her house on a saturday night, I found it sunday morning,  I called KSP, filed a report, busted the rest out and took the car to a different location while I waited for my insurance company to send someone to fix it, went to my other job that I was late arriving to, got up monday morning and a friend of mine gave me a ride to my primary job, my mother picked me and took me to my car and I met the guy to fix the window.  Now she made it about her, called everyone she knows, came out when the cops was there to tell her story, went to Facebook and made a post about how pissed she was that someone came on her property and busted HER car window out, called into work Monday morning.  Our boss was more than a little surprised to see me there she said “I figured you wouldn’t be here today, Christina said she had to go get that settled and taken care of.” To which I responded “it’s all settled, the report has been filed, insurance was notified and it was my car window, I just need to leave early to me the guys replacing my window, I do not know what she’s doing.”  That monday I went to her house to get my dog and I have not gone back.

It was not just that event that caused me to walk away, a while before that I wanted to, I had even lived in my car  for a couple of months to get away from her, with nowhere else to go I would have been fine but my dog was not so I went back.  Luckily right after that another and newer friend of mine invited me and my dog to stay with her, I did not want to burden her, I did not want to bring my troubles to her, 10 months later I am thankful that I finally took that offer, I have never been more me.

 

#NoBillNoBreak

This has got to be the most beautiful protest, sit in I have ever read about.  I get the honor to watch this stream, I’ve watched the count go from 1.1k to almost 8k now in about 30 minutes time, history is in the making and it is absolutely beautiful.  I don’t usually get into politics, I’ll read the arguments and the articles but my comments stay with in the walls of this house, what I am seeing streamed live by these senators because the cameras were turned off is inspiring.  Polictians are known for showing no true action rarely is something actually done, pre wrote speeches, news conferences, interviews and ads are placed all around while they claim to have a voice and they are fighting for change, but we barely see it, well we are seeing it now, I d the people with the negative comments would just for once listen they would see that they are not doing this to ban runs altogether, they are fighting for stricter gun laws, they are fighting for the safety of the American people, they are not trying to “take my guns”  This sit in is not something we expect from members of the house but it is something we can all respect, admire and watch knowing they do actually care, they can take action, they are doing what the people elected them to do and it’s amazing.

I am not against guns, I own a gun myself and I don’t believe they should be outright banned, but with that being said once I waited 1 month for a background check to come in for a job but it only took me 30 mins to walk out with the mentioned gun.. How can people not see a problem with that? How can people believe that it’s ok to sell a gun to people with a history of violence that’s was not considered a felony? To men and women on the no fly list? To the mentally unstable? Stricter gun laws will save lives, yes I know people will still be able to illegally get a gun but if your hold all gun owners responsible for that gun they purchased for themselves it’s less likely they are going to sell or trade it, make everyone register there weapons, hold insurance on their guns, they will think twice before handing it off.

Stand or sit tall dems! Inspire and make a change.  You have the support of many and I admire your courage and your fight.

Frustrations of weight

Obesity is a huge issue, has been for a while and will be for a long time to come, it’s a great topic to write about; easy, fast, lots of info on and everyone personally knows someone.  A writer with a blockage it’s an easy topic, today I want to write but couldn’t think of what to write about, so I decided to not write about obesity, I want to talk about the opposite.

I am 27 years old 5’6 and i weigh on my best days 107, I have always been underweight and no, I am not anorexic.  I love food, I love to eat, I am very active (nerves, can’t sit still) I love healthy food and I can not gain weight.  I have had plenty of failed attempts and plenty more times I have stepped on the scale and was scared to see it say 111, a couple of days later it will say 105.  It’s discouraging and it sucks just like someone trying to lose weight and watching their effort go no where, trust me it all hurts the same.

Through my efforts of gaining weight and muscle I don’t get near the amount of encouragement and help people do who are overweight, “why do you want to gain weight?” “You’re fine, don’t worry.”  “why complain because you can’t gain?” “At least you’re not heavy, you are healthier than me.”  people seem to forget that being underweight is unhealthy and carries its own risk as well.  I am weak, no muscle mass, I am tired, I am constantly cold and I have hyperkalemia: a potassium deficiency.  My potassium levels have been so low I have been hospitalized over them, with weak muscles including my heart irregular heartbeat, I can not count the nights or the numbers of cramps aka Charlie horses I have in one single night, the places I have had them.  One night I woke up to cramps in both my legs at the same time.. I know after those nights I am going to have a terrible day, I will be weak, exhausted and my blood pressure is going to be wack all day.  (but I should not say anything because I am small)

Quite frankly it pisses me off when I get the negative comments in my attempt to gain weight, I am a human and I don’t like my weight, I want to change it the derogatory comments are unnecessary and I shouldn’t have to defend that to people but since I am underweight people think its ok to comment and that it is not harmful, I wish to change that.  Maybe it’s jealousy, envy maybe anger, idk honestly those are just my thoughts on way because the response I always get is “you don’t need to gain, try being me.” I understand I really do being overweight sucks, but so does being underweight

I had an argument with a customer a few days ago about this subject, we was having random conversation while she was waiting for her food she made a comment about how hot it was in the building and I replied “Yes it sucks it’s too hot to move around too much and it is really hurting my weight gaining efforts, it’s like a sonah in here.” My comment pissed her off and she was offended by the fact that I was complaining about being skinny.  Really?  If we take a look at health risks for over and underweight they are not much different at all, it’s the way people view it that makes it so different.  All sizes are beautiful, I am non judgemental and will support people who want to change themselves when they are doing it for the right reasons, for themselves, their health.  Why can’t people be the same towards me?

I am not an asshole, rude, downing anyone or trying to offend when I talk about my weight.  If I take to social media and post this picture and this caption what will happen? Will I get as many likes? Words of encouragement? Or hateful remarks? again I stress that I am not hating on anyone, personality is all that matters to me.  I included my arm in the pic to show are small I really am.

 

IMAG0772

“Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.”

 

What kind of response would I get? I am going to find out.

 

Changing the world

I was listening to someone talk about helping someone out, something they don’t normally do how it made them feel, making one small difference to someone they barely knew gave him a purpose if only for a short time or who knows maybe a lifetime.  He said to me “I could tell by her face I changed her life, I made a dream of hers come to life.  I made this huge difference in her life doing something so small, I never would have thought it would impact her and me so much.” Looking at him I said “It’s always the little things that make the most difference, things people view as trivial, obsolete, and unimportant or just blow off, all these little things we do or say they are what makes the “big” things so big and great.  It’s the little things I live for.”  I could see something spark inside of him like he got it then.  “Your right that makes so much sense, it’s like building a model car but without instructions you have a ton smaller parts but once you put them all together you have a bigger object you have a car.”  To that I replied “Hey you’re getting now, it’s the same with people, you don’t get instructions you either already know or you learn.”

He said something else to me that had me thinking, he said “When I saw that light shine in her eyes, the smile and yes the tears of happiness I thought all it takes is one small thing to do that, I can do these things more often, I can change the world we all can!”

Change the world? everyone thinks they can change the world.. Can the world be changed? could the little things make such a difference to this gigantic world? Yes only if everyone was free from judgement, intolerance and hate we could change the world to a MUCH better place.  Wouldn’t be perfect and I know everyone wouldn’t be happy..  I believe he sensed something was going on in my head with his last comments, probably because my blank stare or furrowed brows because he interrupted my thoughts “whats going on in that mind of yours faith?”

I snapped out of my daze of thoughts, looked at his confused face and I told him, “The world cannot be changed, now hear me out I am not trying to discourage you, when you helped that one person out you changed her, you changed her world for the better, you made it a better place and you’ll go on to help other people and change their lives.  Who knows maybe they’ll pass it on, they’ll go do something  life changing for someone else.  They could do something indirectly maybe they’ll write a book, movie or maybe a song that will that will help someone.  Your one small act of kindness could have a chain reaction like so but to change the world, everyone and I mean every single human would need to embrace diversity, have tolerance, believe all the same things.  We would have to rid the world of evil, hate and indifference and I stress again that everyone would have to because one persons negative actions could have the same chain reaction that your kindness had.  So instead of working on changing the entire world lets just focus on changing the world for the people around us.”

Labels

Somebody asked me a question one time, it changed the way I look at things and completely threw me off, we was sitting in class near the end of the year and he asked me what I was, he said to me “what are you?” and I gave the answer I thought he should already know I told him “I am a human born native of the great planet earth, ya know that third rock from the sun.” He kind of looked at me funny and said “No I mean what are you are? Are you Goth? Emo? Prep? Hipster? or a tom boy? Because every day you wear something different, one day you’re wearing the baggy Tripp pants and the next you have on Abercrombie.” That totally confused me, I never put a label on myself, sure people have called me different names and have labeled me what they wanted, except this guy he was just as confused as me, but I always ignored them I never put any thought into it, so I finally answered “I’m myself, I am Faith, I’m not Goth, I’m not a prep a hippie or a tomboy I wear what I like what looks good or just comfortable on different days.  I dye my hair different colors just to see what it will look like, I listen to all different music, I talk to all different “types” of people, the labels I understand are labeling people’s personalities, the feeling you get at the first contact.” He sat there still looking confused but I could tell he was thinking hard, I guess because that’s how people think you stay in a certain group and that group is labeled, majority of the world are just like him.  After explaining that I am not confused or fake I think he had started to understand what I meant.  “So tell me, the way you dress is about the same everyday have you never looked at a different style liked it and wondered how you would look? Go for it, it won’t change who you are nor will it change your friends.”  I don’t think I changed his perspective but after that we worked together on a couple of projects and we had discussions about what we were learning in class.  We never really became friends and that’s ok I like the little connections like that, little moments and random people you connect with for a short time in life.

Introspect

Introspect- to look within, sounds the same as self analyzing.  Looking within yourself to figure out your mental state, examining your own thoughts and feelings.  I have been doing that lately started with my analyzing, breaking down my habits, thoughts, feelings, moods, what brought them around, my all around mental state, never calm always something dark raging inside, depressed, anxious, neurotic.  I figured out all my triggers, it  felt it was a little to easy.  Started by making a list of things I used to do, hobbies I had, individually wrote about each one and why I thought I had quit doing them and became who I was.  I learned more when I read just a few principles of stoicism, how yes I was correct in my six page long self review except  my emotions were the cause for my  giving up, not other people’s.   I have accepted it and nothing in the past has any power over my mind any more. Oh yes it seemed a little too easy to me but it was really that simple, with a serious attitude it was that easy.

The future, I can’t know but this experience thus far has taught me so much, I have found it easier to just sit down and write.  I have found it easier to be calm at work today (yesterday when I wrote this) when I felt the what was normal anger start to rise I was able to stop a second and think “it’s not worth it, these hateful notes and threats from this manager and the owners they are not in control of this business or their lives so I will receive the bad end of it… pffft whatever, I’m happy forget them.” Now the whole day I found issues that made me mad or anxious, and a few times it took me longer and some wise words from a friend (like usual) to calm back down to look inside at my real mood, but I did work a 14 hour shift without an break as I watched my half smoked cigarettes burn away,  my food became cold it was a lot easier to be ok.

So introspect I’ve already been doing it this whole adventure.  As I have been trying to write about this I felt as if it was stuff I have already said.. Sorry captain there is always tomorrows word of the day.  Unless I have this introspect thing all wrong, or maybe stoicism is what I have wrong? Hey see that there’s my anxiety.

“Knowing others is intelligence, knowing yourself is true wisdom.  Mastering others is strength, mastering yourself is true power.  If you realize you have enough you truly are rich.” -Lao Tzu-