I had a dream she asked me to write, write down all the words I had ever said to her, she told me she loved despite anything else she had ever said to me, she had never asked anything from me; I happily obliged over excited. I dreamt that despite what she said she would give me my happy ever after, not the fairy tale version, she knew I loved them but that was never what I wanted. I dreamt that I would write it all down, despite the amount of time it would take. In my dream she sat beside me, almost touching; as I watched her eyes skim over the pages replaying every moment. I watched all the different emotions play across her face, the smiles, the bowed eyebrows in confusion, I watched the anger play across her face, a smile, every tear that fell down my face matched hers, a smile. I dreamt that her smiles were my second favorite moments as I watched every emotion. I hated watching tears run down her face knowing I had put them there, she would scoot a little closer to me and grab my hand; we had never been this close before, my thumb would gently stroke across the back of her hand, soft and tired, a smile would start to form, in the moments I had made her cry were always followed by a smile, I’ve always had that ability, her smile too addictive to allow the frown to make home on her face. I dreamt that those were my favorite moments, despite how bad the pain was I could always make a smile grace her. I dreamt that she looked at me with a half smile, her hand still locked in mine she whispered to me “this is not enough.” Unsure of what she could possibly mean, those were all the words I had said to her I was sure of it, I dreamt that the look in her eyes was not one of disappointment because I had forgotten something I had said, there was a sadness there for words I had never spoke to her, only she did not know herself where this sadness was coming from. Knowing I had to keep the smile on her face, I made the missing words into a scavenger hunt, I hid verses all over the house of words that were meant to spoken now. I watched as she playfully searched the house, she found the first verse hidden in the coffee pot, I watched the confusion play through her eyes, she couldn’t remember me ever saying that to her, her eyebrows shot up, a crooked grin lit her face as she realized what she was looking for; with a new excitement for this game she kept up the search. She found the second verse buried in the freezer, hidden under the Ice Cream no one really ate, the third verse was carefully placed in one of her notebooks, that verse was meant to be wrote into one of her stories; it belonged there. I dreamt that she spent the next hour searching for the final verse, I watched and waited as she grew tired and impatient and on the verge of giving up. She looked at me angry and desperate to read the final verse, I dreamt that I walked over to her a smile across my own face, I grabbed both her hands despite her anger and urge to pull away from me, I felt her body loosen as I pulled her close to me “It’s here” I said as I spoke words that could only be true “I love you” her smile. I dreamt that.. well it’s my dream, somethings are meant for only me.
I came from a family with no love to spare
Slow to realize no one really cared
Always searching for a way to be loved
All I ever found were drugs
My hands always trembled, body coated in sweat
It was my own life I came to regret
Alone in my room leaving memories behind
I would do anything to erase the images in my mind
They took me to a world that was mine alone
A place where I could finally hold my own
In this world I created in my head
I felt alive, no longer hanging by a thread
Being high I knew I wasn’t a coward
No, I made myself believe I had power
Everything was new drugs gave me a clean slate
But pieces of my sanity they would take
Living that way was not as perfect as I believed
The life I was living was ill conceived
Self-harm and suicidal plans fueled by withdrawal
After everything I survived there is no more room to fall
Ending my life was one wrong I could right
My mind is fucked and I’m too tired to fight
Where does your darkness live?
Do you hide it out of fear?
Is it out there for all to see?
Is it the cry of a child that makes you smile?
The pain of another that gets you off?
Where does this darkness come from?
Are we born with it?
Or is it created?
Molded together by our day to day lives in our most impressionable years?
Or does it come swooping into our lives?
From somewhere far away?
Unexpected like a daring thief working in the daylight
Did it steal your life away?
So fast that you couldn’t stop to give it a name
Maybe you embraced it as if it was always there
Tell everyone you never felt the slightest change
Does everyone know your darkness?
Can anyone see your true face?
Or is it hidden behind a veil of fake smiles
Deceivingly contagious laughter
Do you even know it’s there?
Or does your mind tell you it’s ok?
Nothing is wrong with the actions you make
Did you tell yourself every kid should bring a gun to school?
The innocent woman deserved what she got?
That child deserved to be murdered, he was unplanned anyway
You need other people’s possesions more than they do
They worked to buy it now your work to steal it
Is that fair trade?
Is your darkness the face of fears?
Does your birth given name bring others pain?
They cringe at just the sight of your face?
Maybe your darkness is the face of hope
Putting light and motivation in the ones who follow your lead
Do you hide your darkness in plain sight?
Step on stage and give a hate filled speech
Are you able to spread it around the world night after night?
With thousands in attendance and millions more watching from their couch
Most watching in shame
While awakening the dark in others who have learned to idolize you
Every person who blindly follows you becomes every word you have ever said
Leaving the rest those whose darkness leads a different path
Frozen in shock standing with their mouths agape
Only because their darkness goes by a different name
Are you ashamed by any of this?
Is this darkness what you strive for?
Do you hide your darkness in a needle?
Spread it through your veins for a quick high
A seemingly painless night
Selling to the vulnerable and weak minded
Using kids to commit your crimes
Take to the streets and sell weapons to the highest bidder
Unlock your doors and sell to whoever under the false pretense of home protection
Sell a fully automatic to someone whose darkness will never be forgotten
R.I.P. to all the senseless murders in the name of hate
Would that keep you up or will your darkness allow you peaceful sleep?
After all I’ve always heard being rich is the ultimate end game
Are you quick to judge the darkness in others?
While looking the other way to your own
Do you justify it? Making it seem safe?
Walk around as if it does not exist
While scolding and downing the darkness in others
Everyone has a darkness unbeknownst to you or not
What is your darkness?
Have you blocked its face?
Maybe you just forgot to give it name.
So in love with yesterday
I completely forgot about today
Tomorrow takes too long to arrive
While yesterday, I have already survived.
I am drawing a complete blank, not a damn thing coming to mind all though i have too many thoughts in my head, not a single one of them goes together, if they do then I just cannot keep up, I cannot place them in the proper order. Yes I have picked up the notebook and my favorite pen, scribbled and doodled all over it. I have torn out exactly 5 pages and Xed through 10; I have taken some time to stop and read what others have wrote, been through a list of writing prompts (which turned out comical to me, I shall post that later) and here I am, writing this garbage again. Blah blah blah am I really going through this stage again? So soon!
The time was 9:32 PM, outside was dark, the weather calm and all the creatures of the night were settled in their favorite spots in the grass, trees and bushes. I can’t really tell if they were all talking to each other, talking over each other, throwing a rad party of which that we will never witness or maybe these little creatures were just screaming, screaming their revenge for the amount of noise and the many times us humans disturb them during the day. OH! One more theory; they may just be doing what I do when I am outside at night time, cussing out and yelling at the worst offenders; the mosquitoes.
The scene inside the house is a completely different story, there is but one light on, on the bottom floor of the house, probably a couple upstairs as well but no need to picture that I will not be writing about that part of the house. We enter through the front door and please do not let those mosquitoes in! The first thing we will notice is the smell of coffee, always perfect this time of night. It is a slightly tense atmosphere, Captain is on the computer working for a few extra bucks in her tie-dyed shirt and her sleeping shorts; determined to get as much done as possible to make up for the hours she is losing at work. Not much to be said other than that, if you know her you know that posture… Stay clear she is anxious, stressed and in a hurry to get through those, we haven’t had a decent conversation in days but it’s ok because I know she works. Next I was going to describe the sound of my dog pacing through the house, obsessively cleaning herself, and scratching wherever she can reach BUT as I looked over at her she stopped, mid scratch right next to the desk Captain is sitting at and gave me the weirdest look, OH SHIT.. She knows I am about to talk about her so moving on.
The couch; my home, my bed, my hangout and my writing space when the computer is occupied. In this dimly lit room we hear the clicking of paws, the clicking of the computer mouse, the screaming bugs and a random thump, oh shit what have the cats done now? Pan over to me wearing an old pair of basketball shorts and a white tank top, pale legs and half tanned arms. Sitting on the flowery old but reliable couch, (don’t need anything fancy with as many animals as we have new is bad.. 7 cats, 2 dogs and 2 turtles) This is where I am right now with crumbled up paper, empty pen, tablet, ashtray and Pina Colada flavored Sobe surrounding me. With my trusty notebook in my lap and my 2nd favorite pen in my hand. Unfortunately this is where this story ends, I am here I have been writing this real small hoping something wonderful will strike but time as caught up with me and this is still all I have. Time 9:59 PM maybe I should call it a night?
Sit and watch as the clock ticks time away
How long can I listen until it drives me insane?
How will I know when my time is up?
All of my best laying in waste
As time moves on without me
This much I can see
It will never stop and wait on me
When this realization strikes in my head
I ran to catch up with those ever moving hands
Running and chasing I can’t seem to get ahead in this race
Am I really running to beat the clock?
Time? The tick tock of the clock?
Time is something I will never catch
For the clock is cunning and sly like the fox
No matter what pace I dare to keep
Time is relentless it has never taken a break
That clock will always be ticking one second ahead of me
I will have to train and learn to keep its pace
That will be a greatness no one will ever defeat
When you call for me
I need to you know
Everything is different now
The cause all my own
When you call for me
I will not answer
Your voice once as beautiful as the falling snow
It stays in my head
It becomes bitter and cold
When you call for me
I ask that you know
You no longer hold the feeling
Of a cool breeze on a hot summer day
Like the mark of a sunburn on my skin exposed
You just bring me pain
When you call for me
I want you to look to the sky
Do you see that bird flying so high?
She is on a path somewhere you cannot go
I need you to stop and imagine
That bird is me soaring away from you
When you call for me
Look straight ahead
You see the beautiful oak tree?
I am no longer sitting underneath those leafs
Writing poetry or dreaming of thee
When you call for me
I will never know
This love has been disconnected
This is the last time I answer that phone
When you call for me
I hope you remember these words
I hope they chill you to the bone
No, it’s your time to feel the unknown