No cure

I’m a maniac don’t leave me alone

To you I’m nauseated from an illness unknown

There’s no antidote for me

Considering I am ahead of my time

You can only see what’s in front of your eyes

This madness is with me standing in line

As we all wait to be apart of another victim less crime

Life’s fall apart because we choose to pretend

Countdown with me as we wait for the end

My insanity knows we can set another trend

Stand beside me if you have a hand to lend

You can’t hide from this

It’s like pulling your own teeth

For we suffer so much just to find whatever is underneath

Whatever it is that covers the truth

Buried alive within the sands of time

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Welcome to my world

Come in, have a look into my world

Be careful please step over my crumbled dreams

Welcome to my world desolate and lonely

Listen carefully to what I say

My screams are soundless

My voice silenced by all my words

My heart black as coal

So you should think

Welcome to my nightmare

Over here you’ll find a building 

This is my shelter for sadness 

My safeguard of war

Don’t touch the cracked glass

Your blood doesn’t belong here

Take my hand I’ll lead you to the beach

Frigid sands of damaged hope and sorrow

No castles were ever built here

No time to play I have somewhere to be 

This is my world

Once bright with love and innocence

Don’t strain your eyes to see

It’s now lies and deception 

Conceal my vision 

To cloak the horror I see

At times I wish to die

The void is calling out to me

Cover your ears you don’t need to hear

Welcome to my punishment

Asylum to the darkness 

Home of the corrupt

The forgotten sands often call for me

I cannot disregard it 

I fade into the dark

Have you realized yet?

You cannot see what I see 

This is my burden 

My smile stolen by the beast 

The one who demolishes my peace

No hope for me

No escape from this torment 

The screams haunt me in the only shelter I know 

The darkness there will always captivate me

Do not speak of what you may see 

The beast scornful laugh 

It bleeds into me

His hands covered in blood

The blood is dry 

Welcome to my dream 

He doesn’t yet know you are here 

The ill beast eyes are burning black 

His forbidden voice tells me I am dead 

I smell him

His horrid breath smells of death 

I cannot save me 

The agony he brings 

My heart begs to be torn out 

I built a place for you to run 

It’s untouched 

To save you from all the lives here 

The beast has done this so many times before 

It is my blood the covers his hands 

How sacred he whispers in my ears

Each time you are mine 

He sighs, close to me 

I control your world 

It happens again 

You make it easy for me 

Welcome to my world

Leave now 

Before you get lost 

You don’t want to meet the beast that follows me

Burnt away

Further and further I seem to drift away

Inside I feel myself grow cold tired and old

I stand before one bare and exposed 

Standing like that which came before me

Plain, white against the dark of night 

I’ve struggled to hold onto what once thrived inside of me 

Blazing higher brighter than light from the fire

It wasn’t smothered away 

I let go a little at a time 

As the fire burned away 

I did nothing but watch embers fade

So all I ask is for you to spare yourself please

I’ve tried and tried to explain

Emptiness still resides

This emptiness consumes me but that is my way

You can not save me with words and gestures

Genuine affection as soft as the rain

I beg you save yourself from me

There is no cure for me 

After all because of the rain 

I cannot relight the flame

Haunted

I don’t want to be haunted by the past

By your harmful words and actions

Although you see no wrong

You expect forgiveness all the same

I should just let everything go

We are family, we share the same blood

I wouldn’t take a bullet for a friend who has done me this way

Why should I allow you another chance to aim?

I am wired to forgive

But that wire has caught fire

I lit the match

You sparked the flame

The past is the past

I should just let it go

Your words and actions today

All sound the same

I am left in a seemingly endless cycle

Not stuck between wrong and right

More should I try to fix this?

It’s impossible when you see no wrong

Leaving me to take the blame

Most days I know I should walk away

Twenty eight years is a long time spent full of doubt and questions

I know all the answers

But my mind is still full of shame

I’m left here alone pacing and anxious

I can’t understand why I fight myself day after day

I shouldn’t care about this pointless pain

So about the other night

I am drawing a complete blank, not a damn thing coming to mind all though i have too many thoughts in my head, not a single one of them goes together, if they do then I just cannot keep up, I cannot place them in the proper order.  Yes I have picked up the notebook and my favorite pen, scribbled and doodled all over it.  I have torn out exactly 5 pages and Xed through 10; I have taken some time to stop and read what others have wrote, been through a list of writing prompts (which turned out comical to me, I shall post that later) and here I am, writing this garbage again.  Blah blah blah am I really going through this stage again? So soon!

UGH!

The time was 9:32 PM, outside was dark, the weather calm and all the creatures of the night were settled in their favorite spots in the grass, trees and bushes.  I can’t really tell if they were all talking to each other, talking over each other, throwing a rad party of which that we will never witness or maybe these little creatures were just screaming, screaming their revenge for the amount of noise and the many times us humans disturb them during the day.  OH! One more theory; they may just be doing what I do when I am outside at night time, cussing out and yelling at the worst offenders; the mosquitoes.

The scene inside the house is a completely different story, there is but one light on, on the bottom floor of the house, probably a couple upstairs as well but no need to picture that I will not be writing about that part of the house.  We enter through the front door and please do not let those mosquitoes in! The first thing we will notice is the smell of coffee, always perfect this time of night.  It is a slightly tense atmosphere, Captain is on the computer working for a few extra bucks in her tie-dyed shirt and her sleeping shorts; determined to get as much done as possible to make up for the hours she is losing at work.  Not much to be said other than that, if you know her you know that posture… Stay clear she is anxious, stressed and in a hurry to get through those, we haven’t had a decent conversation in days but it’s ok because I know she works.  Next I was going to describe the sound of my dog pacing through the house, obsessively cleaning herself, and scratching wherever she can reach BUT as I looked over at her she stopped, mid scratch right next to the desk Captain is sitting at and gave me the weirdest look, OH SHIT.. She knows I am about to talk about her so moving on.

The couch; my home, my bed, my hangout and my writing space when the computer is occupied.  In this dimly lit room we hear the clicking of paws, the clicking of the computer mouse, the screaming bugs and a random thump, oh shit what have the cats done now? Pan over to me wearing an old pair of basketball shorts and a white tank top, pale legs and half tanned arms.  Sitting on the flowery old but reliable couch, (don’t need anything fancy with as many animals as we have new is bad.. 7 cats, 2 dogs and 2 turtles) This is where I am right now with crumbled up paper, empty pen, tablet, ashtray and Pina Colada flavored Sobe surrounding me.  With my trusty notebook in my lap and my 2nd favorite pen in my hand.  Unfortunately this is where this story ends, I am here I have been writing this real small hoping something wonderful will strike but time as caught up with me and this is still all I have.  Time 9:59 PM maybe I should call it a night?