Haunted

I don’t want to be haunted by the past

By your harmful words and actions

Although you see no wrong

You expect forgiveness all the same

I should just let everything go

We are family, we share the same blood

I wouldn’t take a bullet for a friend who has done me this way

Why should I allow you another chance to aim?

I am wired to forgive

But that wire has caught fire

I lit the match

You sparked the flame

The past is the past

I should just let it go

Your words and actions today

All sound the same

I am left in a seemingly endless cycle

Not stuck between wrong and right

More should I try to fix this?

It’s impossible when you see no wrong

Leaving me to take the blame

Most days I know I should walk away

Twenty eight years is a long time spent full of doubt and questions

I know all the answers

But my mind is still full of shame

I’m left here alone pacing and anxious

I can’t understand why I fight myself day after day

I shouldn’t care about this pointless pain

Do you know your darkness?

Where does your darkness live?

Do you hide it out of fear? 

Is it out there for all to see?

Is it the cry of a child that makes you smile?

The pain of another that gets you off?

Where does this darkness come from?

Are we born with it?

Or is it created?

Molded together by our day to day lives in our most impressionable years?

Or does it come swooping into our lives?

From somewhere far away?

Unexpected like a daring thief working in the daylight

Did it steal your life away?

So fast that you couldn’t stop to give it a name

Maybe you embraced it as if it was always there

Tell everyone you never felt the slightest change

Does everyone know your darkness?

Can anyone see your true face?

Or is it hidden behind a veil of fake smiles

Deceivingly contagious laughter

Do you even know it’s there?

Or does your mind tell you it’s ok?

Nothing is wrong with the actions you make 

Did you tell yourself every kid should bring a gun to school?

The innocent woman deserved what she got?

That child deserved to be murdered, he was unplanned anyway

You need other people’s possesions more than they do

They worked to buy it now your work to steal it

Is that fair trade?

Is your darkness the face of fears?

Does your birth given name bring others pain?

They cringe at just the sight of your face? 

Maybe your darkness is the face of hope

Putting light and motivation in the ones who follow your lead

Do you hide your darkness in plain sight?

Step on stage and give a hate filled speech

Are you able to spread it around the world night after night? 

With thousands in attendance and millions more watching from their couch

Most watching in shame 

While awakening the dark in others who have learned to idolize you

Every person who blindly follows you becomes every word you have ever said

Leaving the rest those whose darkness leads a different path 

Frozen in shock standing with their mouths agape

Only because their darkness goes by a different name

Are you ashamed by any of this?

Is this darkness what you strive for?

Do you hide your darkness in a needle?

Spread it through your veins for a quick high

A seemingly painless night

Selling to the vulnerable and weak minded

Using kids to commit your crimes

Take to the streets and sell weapons to the highest bidder

Unlock your doors and sell to whoever under the false pretense of home protection

Sell a fully automatic to someone whose darkness will never be forgotten

R.I.P. to all the senseless murders in the name of hate

Would that keep you up or will your darkness allow you peaceful sleep?

After all I’ve always heard being rich is the ultimate end game

Are you quick to judge the darkness in others?

While looking the other way to your own

Do you justify it? Making it seem safe?

Walk around as if it does not exist

While scolding and downing the darkness in others

Everyone has a darkness unbeknownst to you or not 

What is your darkness?

Have you blocked its face?

Maybe you just forgot to give it name.

©


So about the other night

I am drawing a complete blank, not a damn thing coming to mind all though i have too many thoughts in my head, not a single one of them goes together, if they do then I just cannot keep up, I cannot place them in the proper order.  Yes I have picked up the notebook and my favorite pen, scribbled and doodled all over it.  I have torn out exactly 5 pages and Xed through 10; I have taken some time to stop and read what others have wrote, been through a list of writing prompts (which turned out comical to me, I shall post that later) and here I am, writing this garbage again.  Blah blah blah am I really going through this stage again? So soon!

UGH!

The time was 9:32 PM, outside was dark, the weather calm and all the creatures of the night were settled in their favorite spots in the grass, trees and bushes.  I can’t really tell if they were all talking to each other, talking over each other, throwing a rad party of which that we will never witness or maybe these little creatures were just screaming, screaming their revenge for the amount of noise and the many times us humans disturb them during the day.  OH! One more theory; they may just be doing what I do when I am outside at night time, cussing out and yelling at the worst offenders; the mosquitoes.

The scene inside the house is a completely different story, there is but one light on, on the bottom floor of the house, probably a couple upstairs as well but no need to picture that I will not be writing about that part of the house.  We enter through the front door and please do not let those mosquitoes in! The first thing we will notice is the smell of coffee, always perfect this time of night.  It is a slightly tense atmosphere, Captain is on the computer working for a few extra bucks in her tie-dyed shirt and her sleeping shorts; determined to get as much done as possible to make up for the hours she is losing at work.  Not much to be said other than that, if you know her you know that posture… Stay clear she is anxious, stressed and in a hurry to get through those, we haven’t had a decent conversation in days but it’s ok because I know she works.  Next I was going to describe the sound of my dog pacing through the house, obsessively cleaning herself, and scratching wherever she can reach BUT as I looked over at her she stopped, mid scratch right next to the desk Captain is sitting at and gave me the weirdest look, OH SHIT.. She knows I am about to talk about her so moving on.

The couch; my home, my bed, my hangout and my writing space when the computer is occupied.  In this dimly lit room we hear the clicking of paws, the clicking of the computer mouse, the screaming bugs and a random thump, oh shit what have the cats done now? Pan over to me wearing an old pair of basketball shorts and a white tank top, pale legs and half tanned arms.  Sitting on the flowery old but reliable couch, (don’t need anything fancy with as many animals as we have new is bad.. 7 cats, 2 dogs and 2 turtles) This is where I am right now with crumbled up paper, empty pen, tablet, ashtray and Pina Colada flavored Sobe surrounding me.  With my trusty notebook in my lap and my 2nd favorite pen in my hand.  Unfortunately this is where this story ends, I am here I have been writing this real small hoping something wonderful will strike but time as caught up with me and this is still all I have.  Time 9:59 PM maybe I should call it a night?

How much longer?

Sit and watch as the clock ticks time away

How long can I listen until it drives me insane?

How will I know when my time is up?

All of my best laying in waste

As time moves on without me

This much I can see

It will never stop and wait on me

When this realization strikes in my head

I ran to catch up with those ever moving hands

Running and chasing I can’t seem to get ahead in this race

Am I really running to beat the clock?

Time? The tick tock of the clock?

Time is something I will never catch

For the clock is cunning and sly like the fox

No matter what pace I dare to keep

Time is relentless it has never taken a break

That clock will always be ticking one second ahead of me

I will have to train and learn to keep its pace

That will be a greatness no one will ever defeat

When you call for me

 

When you call for me

I need to you know

Everything is different now

The cause all my own

When you call for me

I will not answer

Your voice once as beautiful as the falling snow

It stays in my head

It becomes bitter and cold

When you call for me

I ask that you know

You no longer hold the feeling

Of a cool breeze on a hot summer day

Like the mark of a sunburn on my skin exposed

You just bring me pain

When you call for me

I want you to look to the sky

Do you see that bird flying so high?

She is on a path somewhere you cannot go

I need you to stop and imagine

That bird is me soaring away from you

When you call for me

Look straight ahead

You see the beautiful oak tree?

I am no longer sitting underneath those leafs

Writing poetry or dreaming of thee

When you call for me

I will never know

This love has been disconnected

This is the last time I answer that phone

When you call for me

I hope you remember these words

I hope they chill you to the bone

No, it’s your time to feel the unknown