I had a dream she asked me to write, write down all the words I had ever said to her, she told me she loved despite anything else she had ever said to me, she had never asked anything from me; I happily obliged over excited. I dreamt that despite what she said she would give me my happy ever after, not the fairy tale version, she knew I loved them but that was never what I wanted. I dreamt that I would write it all down, despite the amount of time it would take. In my dream she sat beside me, almost touching; as I watched her eyes skim over the pages replaying every moment. I watched all the different emotions play across her face, the smiles, the bowed eyebrows in confusion, I watched the anger play across her face, a smile, every tear that fell down my face matched hers, a smile. I dreamt that her smiles were my second favorite moments as I watched every emotion. I hated watching tears run down her face knowing I had put them there, she would scoot a little closer to me and grab my hand; we had never been this close before, my thumb would gently stroke across the back of her hand, soft and tired, a smile would start to form, in the moments I had made her cry were always followed by a smile, I’ve always had that ability, her smile too addictive to allow the frown to make home on her face. I dreamt that those were my favorite moments, despite how bad the pain was I could always make a smile grace her. I dreamt that she looked at me with a half smile, her hand still locked in mine she whispered to me “this is not enough.” Unsure of what she could possibly mean, those were all the words I had said to her I was sure of it, I dreamt that the look in her eyes was not one of disappointment because I had forgotten something I had said, there was a sadness there for words I had never spoke to her, only she did not know herself where this sadness was coming from. Knowing I had to keep the smile on her face, I made the missing words into a scavenger hunt, I hid verses all over the house of words that were meant to spoken now. I watched as she playfully searched the house, she found the first verse hidden in the coffee pot, I watched the confusion play through her eyes, she couldn’t remember me ever saying that to her, her eyebrows shot up, a crooked grin lit her face as she realized what she was looking for; with a new excitement for this game she kept up the search. She found the second verse buried in the freezer, hidden under the Ice Cream no one really ate, the third verse was carefully placed in one of her notebooks, that verse was meant to be wrote into one of her stories; it belonged there. I dreamt that she spent the next hour searching for the final verse, I watched and waited as she grew tired and impatient and on the verge of giving up. She looked at me angry and desperate to read the final verse, I dreamt that I walked over to her a smile across my own face, I grabbed both her hands despite her anger and urge to pull away from me, I felt her body loosen as I pulled her close to me “It’s here” I said as I spoke words that could only be true “I love you” her smile. I dreamt that.. well it’s my dream, somethings are meant for only me.
Forcing someone into the world of others will always be wrong, they’ll come to realize how far they are from where their passions rightfully belong. I have a vision and mind that is creative with no holds, turning blank pages into art with daily thoughts from me. The poems on this former white paper showing only lines are far from just words, creating verses that will make you think and have you saying ‘She’s good at this.’ Like the blood that flows through everyone’s veins giving oxygen to pump your heart, bringing life you’ll come to see I am the same because I was made for this. Organizing words in a way that may only make sense to me is the only way I have ever known how to express this amazing chaos I keep hidden under my chest. No longer can I allow my creative mind to lay at rest, I have been there before I know what happens next; a lifetime of nothing but shame and regret. I have broken free from a so-called reality I thought I belonged to, a dream planted in the minds of all the children who were left behind. We are all from the home of the brave, so they say but none of us were ever really free. They gave us prescriptions to alter our minds, making us believe in a lie they call reality, forcing our lives to be as fake as Ken and Barbie. No thanks, that is not the life for me I will protect my sanity, my will belongs to me. No longer believing if I were someone else I would be happy. I no longer feel lost because I am no carbon copy of those who tried to program me. Being different is a gift that I made for myself, all you need to know is who have failed at controlling me. Keep that in mind as you read through these pages of my words that I have thoughtfully arranged, these words are the only reason I have ever known me, the sole reason your attempt to brainwash never came to be, if you decide to read on I have only two words of advice; read carefully.
Haha look at me I am nobody
I sleep where I lie
I believe nothing is set in concrete
You’ll find that I am quite shy
I think of much deeper thoughts
That I’ll never speak
Life is profound, imagination, ideologies
I lack luster, taste and apathy
Most days I see, I hear and I feel
With the eyes, ears and heart of another
Confusing not knowing which emotions belong to me
Spirituality? No, psychology
I do not worry about an empty sky
No god above no devil below
Do not pity me because I cannot see the false reality
Or this love in my heart
No hate for the enemy
Your feelings towards my lifestyle show your handicap-never mind
It’s just as invisible as my minds interpretation of your moral interactions
This is meaningless
Yet we keep on, we persist
Form that line, find your place to stand
Read the signs
Your brain must be this small to fit in
In the world today who needs common sense?
What do I know? Do not follow my lead
Read above I am nobody
Because when I am nothing I feel bliss
Come in, have a look into my world
Be careful please step over my crumbled dreams
Welcome to my world desolate and lonely
Listen carefully to what I say
My screams are soundless
My voice silenced by all my words
My heart black as coal
So you should think
Welcome to my nightmare
Over here you’ll find a building
This is my shelter for sadness
My safeguard of war
Don’t touch the cracked glass
Your blood doesn’t belong here
Take my hand I’ll lead you to the beach
Frigid sands of damaged hope and sorrow
No castles were ever built here
No time to play I have somewhere to be
This is my world
Once bright with love and innocence
Don’t strain your eyes to see
It’s now lies and deception
Conceal my vision
To cloak the horror I see
At times I wish to die
The void is calling out to me
Cover your ears you don’t need to hear
Welcome to my punishment
Asylum to the darkness
Home of the corrupt
The forgotten sands often call for me
I cannot disregard it
I fade into the dark
Have you realized yet?
You cannot see what I see
This is my burden
My smile stolen by the beast
The one who demolishes my peace
No hope for me
No escape from this torment
The screams haunt me in the only shelter I know
The darkness there will always captivate me
Do not speak of what you may see
The beast scornful laugh
It bleeds into me
His hands covered in blood
The blood is dry
Welcome to my dream
He doesn’t yet know you are here
The ill beast eyes are burning black
His forbidden voice tells me I am dead
I smell him
His horrid breath smells of death
I cannot save me
The agony he brings
My heart begs to be torn out
I built a place for you to run
To save you from all the lives here
The beast has done this so many times before
It is my blood the covers his hands
How sacred he whispers in my ears
Each time you are mine
He sighs, close to me
I control your world
It happens again
You make it easy for me
Welcome to my world
Before you get lost
You don’t want to meet the beast that follows me
I don’t want to be haunted by the past
By your harmful words and actions
Although you see no wrong
You expect forgiveness all the same
I should just let everything go
We are family, we share the same blood
I wouldn’t take a bullet for a friend who has done me this way
Why should I allow you another chance to aim?
I am wired to forgive
But that wire has caught fire
I lit the match
You sparked the flame
The past is the past
I should just let it go
Your words and actions today
All sound the same
I am left in a seemingly endless cycle
Not stuck between wrong and right
More should I try to fix this?
It’s impossible when you see no wrong
Leaving me to take the blame
Most days I know I should walk away
Twenty eight years is a long time spent full of doubt and questions
I know all the answers
But my mind is still full of shame
I’m left here alone pacing and anxious
I can’t understand why I fight myself day after day
I shouldn’t care about this pointless pain
Where does your darkness live?
Do you hide it out of fear?
Is it out there for all to see?
Is it the cry of a child that makes you smile?
The pain of another that gets you off?
Where does this darkness come from?
Are we born with it?
Or is it created?
Molded together by our day to day lives in our most impressionable years?
Or does it come swooping into our lives?
From somewhere far away?
Unexpected like a daring thief working in the daylight
Did it steal your life away?
So fast that you couldn’t stop to give it a name
Maybe you embraced it as if it was always there
Tell everyone you never felt the slightest change
Does everyone know your darkness?
Can anyone see your true face?
Or is it hidden behind a veil of fake smiles
Deceivingly contagious laughter
Do you even know it’s there?
Or does your mind tell you it’s ok?
Nothing is wrong with the actions you make
Did you tell yourself every kid should bring a gun to school?
The innocent woman deserved what she got?
That child deserved to be murdered, he was unplanned anyway
You need other people’s possesions more than they do
They worked to buy it now your work to steal it
Is that fair trade?
Is your darkness the face of fears?
Does your birth given name bring others pain?
They cringe at just the sight of your face?
Maybe your darkness is the face of hope
Putting light and motivation in the ones who follow your lead
Do you hide your darkness in plain sight?
Step on stage and give a hate filled speech
Are you able to spread it around the world night after night?
With thousands in attendance and millions more watching from their couch
Most watching in shame
While awakening the dark in others who have learned to idolize you
Every person who blindly follows you becomes every word you have ever said
Leaving the rest those whose darkness leads a different path
Frozen in shock standing with their mouths agape
Only because their darkness goes by a different name
Are you ashamed by any of this?
Is this darkness what you strive for?
Do you hide your darkness in a needle?
Spread it through your veins for a quick high
A seemingly painless night
Selling to the vulnerable and weak minded
Using kids to commit your crimes
Take to the streets and sell weapons to the highest bidder
Unlock your doors and sell to whoever under the false pretense of home protection
Sell a fully automatic to someone whose darkness will never be forgotten
R.I.P. to all the senseless murders in the name of hate
Would that keep you up or will your darkness allow you peaceful sleep?
After all I’ve always heard being rich is the ultimate end game
Are you quick to judge the darkness in others?
While looking the other way to your own
Do you justify it? Making it seem safe?
Walk around as if it does not exist
While scolding and downing the darkness in others
Everyone has a darkness unbeknownst to you or not
What is your darkness?
Have you blocked its face?
Maybe you just forgot to give it name.
So in love with yesterday
I completely forgot about today
Tomorrow takes too long to arrive
While yesterday, I have already survived.