Introduction

Forcing someone into the world of others will always be wrong, they’ll come to realize how far they are from where their passions rightfully belong.  I have a vision and mind that is creative with no holds, turning blank pages into art with daily thoughts from me.  The poems on this former white paper showing only lines are far from just words, creating verses that will make you think and have you saying ‘She’s good at this.’  Like the blood that flows through everyone’s veins giving oxygen to pump your heart, bringing life you’ll come to see I am the same because I was made for this.  Organizing words in a way that may only make sense to me is the only way I have ever known how to express this amazing chaos I keep hidden under my chest.  No longer can I allow my creative mind to lay at rest, I have been there before I know what happens next; a lifetime of nothing but shame and regret.  I have broken free from a so-called reality I thought I belonged to, a dream planted in the minds of all the children who were left behind.  We are all from the home of the brave, so they say but none of us were ever really free.  They gave us prescriptions to alter our minds, making us believe in a lie they call reality, forcing our lives to be as fake as Ken and Barbie.  No thanks, that is not the life for me I will protect my sanity, my will belongs to me.  No longer believing if I were someone else I would be happy.  I no longer feel lost because I am no carbon copy of those who tried to program me.  Being different is a gift that I made for myself, all you need to know is who have failed at controlling me.  Keep that in mind as you read through these pages of my words that I have thoughtfully arranged, these words are the only reason I have ever known me, the sole reason your attempt to brainwash never came to be, if you decide to read on I have only two words of advice; read carefully.

Nothing is bliss

Haha look at me I am nobody
I sleep where I lie
I believe nothing is set in concrete
You’ll find that I am quite shy
I think of much deeper thoughts
That I’ll never speak
Life is profound, imagination, ideologies
I lack luster, taste and apathy
Most days I see, I hear and I feel
With the eyes, ears and heart of another
Confusing not knowing which emotions belong to me
Spirituality? No, psychology
I do not worry about an empty sky
No god above no devil below
Do not pity me because I cannot see the false reality
Or this love in my heart
No hate for the enemy
Your feelings towards my lifestyle show your handicap-never mind
It’s just as invisible as my minds interpretation of your moral interactions
This is meaningless
Yet we keep on, we persist
Form that line, find your place to stand
Read the signs
Your brain must be this small to fit in
In the world today who needs common sense?
What do I know? Do not follow my lead
Read above I am nobody
Because when I am nothing I feel bliss

Welcome to my world

Come in, have a look into my world

Be careful please step over my crumbled dreams

Welcome to my world desolate and lonely

Listen carefully to what I say

My screams are soundless

My voice silenced by all my words

My heart black as coal

So you should think

Welcome to my nightmare

Over here you’ll find a building 

This is my shelter for sadness 

My safeguard of war

Don’t touch the cracked glass

Your blood doesn’t belong here

Take my hand I’ll lead you to the beach

Frigid sands of damaged hope and sorrow

No castles were ever built here

No time to play I have somewhere to be 

This is my world

Once bright with love and innocence

Don’t strain your eyes to see

It’s now lies and deception 

Conceal my vision 

To cloak the horror I see

At times I wish to die

The void is calling out to me

Cover your ears you don’t need to hear

Welcome to my punishment

Asylum to the darkness 

Home of the corrupt

The forgotten sands often call for me

I cannot disregard it 

I fade into the dark

Have you realized yet?

You cannot see what I see 

This is my burden 

My smile stolen by the beast 

The one who demolishes my peace

No hope for me

No escape from this torment 

The screams haunt me in the only shelter I know 

The darkness there will always captivate me

Do not speak of what you may see 

The beast scornful laugh 

It bleeds into me

His hands covered in blood

The blood is dry 

Welcome to my dream 

He doesn’t yet know you are here 

The ill beast eyes are burning black 

His forbidden voice tells me I am dead 

I smell him

His horrid breath smells of death 

I cannot save me 

The agony he brings 

My heart begs to be torn out 

I built a place for you to run 

It’s untouched 

To save you from all the lives here 

The beast has done this so many times before 

It is my blood the covers his hands 

How sacred he whispers in my ears

Each time you are mine 

He sighs, close to me 

I control your world 

It happens again 

You make it easy for me 

Welcome to my world

Leave now 

Before you get lost 

You don’t want to meet the beast that follows me

Haunted

I don’t want to be haunted by the past

By your harmful words and actions

Although you see no wrong

You expect forgiveness all the same

I should just let everything go

We are family, we share the same blood

I wouldn’t take a bullet for a friend who has done me this way

Why should I allow you another chance to aim?

I am wired to forgive

But that wire has caught fire

I lit the match

You sparked the flame

The past is the past

I should just let it go

Your words and actions today

All sound the same

I am left in a seemingly endless cycle

Not stuck between wrong and right

More should I try to fix this?

It’s impossible when you see no wrong

Leaving me to take the blame

Most days I know I should walk away

Twenty eight years is a long time spent full of doubt and questions

I know all the answers

But my mind is still full of shame

I’m left here alone pacing and anxious

I can’t understand why I fight myself day after day

I shouldn’t care about this pointless pain

Do you know your darkness?

Where does your darkness live?

Do you hide it out of fear? 

Is it out there for all to see?

Is it the cry of a child that makes you smile?

The pain of another that gets you off?

Where does this darkness come from?

Are we born with it?

Or is it created?

Molded together by our day to day lives in our most impressionable years?

Or does it come swooping into our lives?

From somewhere far away?

Unexpected like a daring thief working in the daylight

Did it steal your life away?

So fast that you couldn’t stop to give it a name

Maybe you embraced it as if it was always there

Tell everyone you never felt the slightest change

Does everyone know your darkness?

Can anyone see your true face?

Or is it hidden behind a veil of fake smiles

Deceivingly contagious laughter

Do you even know it’s there?

Or does your mind tell you it’s ok?

Nothing is wrong with the actions you make 

Did you tell yourself every kid should bring a gun to school?

The innocent woman deserved what she got?

That child deserved to be murdered, he was unplanned anyway

You need other people’s possesions more than they do

They worked to buy it now your work to steal it

Is that fair trade?

Is your darkness the face of fears?

Does your birth given name bring others pain?

They cringe at just the sight of your face? 

Maybe your darkness is the face of hope

Putting light and motivation in the ones who follow your lead

Do you hide your darkness in plain sight?

Step on stage and give a hate filled speech

Are you able to spread it around the world night after night? 

With thousands in attendance and millions more watching from their couch

Most watching in shame 

While awakening the dark in others who have learned to idolize you

Every person who blindly follows you becomes every word you have ever said

Leaving the rest those whose darkness leads a different path 

Frozen in shock standing with their mouths agape

Only because their darkness goes by a different name

Are you ashamed by any of this?

Is this darkness what you strive for?

Do you hide your darkness in a needle?

Spread it through your veins for a quick high

A seemingly painless night

Selling to the vulnerable and weak minded

Using kids to commit your crimes

Take to the streets and sell weapons to the highest bidder

Unlock your doors and sell to whoever under the false pretense of home protection

Sell a fully automatic to someone whose darkness will never be forgotten

R.I.P. to all the senseless murders in the name of hate

Would that keep you up or will your darkness allow you peaceful sleep?

After all I’ve always heard being rich is the ultimate end game

Are you quick to judge the darkness in others?

While looking the other way to your own

Do you justify it? Making it seem safe?

Walk around as if it does not exist

While scolding and downing the darkness in others

Everyone has a darkness unbeknownst to you or not 

What is your darkness?

Have you blocked its face?

Maybe you just forgot to give it name.

©


So about the other night

I am drawing a complete blank, not a damn thing coming to mind all though i have too many thoughts in my head, not a single one of them goes together, if they do then I just cannot keep up, I cannot place them in the proper order.  Yes I have picked up the notebook and my favorite pen, scribbled and doodled all over it.  I have torn out exactly 5 pages and Xed through 10; I have taken some time to stop and read what others have wrote, been through a list of writing prompts (which turned out comical to me, I shall post that later) and here I am, writing this garbage again.  Blah blah blah am I really going through this stage again? So soon!

UGH!

The time was 9:32 PM, outside was dark, the weather calm and all the creatures of the night were settled in their favorite spots in the grass, trees and bushes.  I can’t really tell if they were all talking to each other, talking over each other, throwing a rad party of which that we will never witness or maybe these little creatures were just screaming, screaming their revenge for the amount of noise and the many times us humans disturb them during the day.  OH! One more theory; they may just be doing what I do when I am outside at night time, cussing out and yelling at the worst offenders; the mosquitoes.

The scene inside the house is a completely different story, there is but one light on, on the bottom floor of the house, probably a couple upstairs as well but no need to picture that I will not be writing about that part of the house.  We enter through the front door and please do not let those mosquitoes in! The first thing we will notice is the smell of coffee, always perfect this time of night.  It is a slightly tense atmosphere, Captain is on the computer working for a few extra bucks in her tie-dyed shirt and her sleeping shorts; determined to get as much done as possible to make up for the hours she is losing at work.  Not much to be said other than that, if you know her you know that posture… Stay clear she is anxious, stressed and in a hurry to get through those, we haven’t had a decent conversation in days but it’s ok because I know she works.  Next I was going to describe the sound of my dog pacing through the house, obsessively cleaning herself, and scratching wherever she can reach BUT as I looked over at her she stopped, mid scratch right next to the desk Captain is sitting at and gave me the weirdest look, OH SHIT.. She knows I am about to talk about her so moving on.

The couch; my home, my bed, my hangout and my writing space when the computer is occupied.  In this dimly lit room we hear the clicking of paws, the clicking of the computer mouse, the screaming bugs and a random thump, oh shit what have the cats done now? Pan over to me wearing an old pair of basketball shorts and a white tank top, pale legs and half tanned arms.  Sitting on the flowery old but reliable couch, (don’t need anything fancy with as many animals as we have new is bad.. 7 cats, 2 dogs and 2 turtles) This is where I am right now with crumbled up paper, empty pen, tablet, ashtray and Pina Colada flavored Sobe surrounding me.  With my trusty notebook in my lap and my 2nd favorite pen in my hand.  Unfortunately this is where this story ends, I am here I have been writing this real small hoping something wonderful will strike but time as caught up with me and this is still all I have.  Time 9:59 PM maybe I should call it a night?