I had a dream she asked me to write, write down all the words I had ever said to her, she told me she loved despite anything else she had ever said to me, she had never asked anything from me; I happily obliged over excited. I dreamt that despite what she said she would give me my happy ever after, not the fairy tale version, she knew I loved them but that was never what I wanted. I dreamt that I would write it all down, despite the amount of time it would take. In my dream she sat beside me, almost touching; as I watched her eyes skim over the pages replaying every moment. I watched all the different emotions play across her face, the smiles, the bowed eyebrows in confusion, I watched the anger play across her face, a smile, every tear that fell down my face matched hers, a smile. I dreamt that her smiles were my second favorite moments as I watched every emotion. I hated watching tears run down her face knowing I had put them there, she would scoot a little closer to me and grab my hand; we had never been this close before, my thumb would gently stroke across the back of her hand, soft and tired, a smile would start to form, in the moments I had made her cry were always followed by a smile, I’ve always had that ability, her smile too addictive to allow the frown to make home on her face. I dreamt that those were my favorite moments, despite how bad the pain was I could always make a smile grace her. I dreamt that she looked at me with a half smile, her hand still locked in mine she whispered to me “this is not enough.” Unsure of what she could possibly mean, those were all the words I had said to her I was sure of it, I dreamt that the look in her eyes was not one of disappointment because I had forgotten something I had said, there was a sadness there for words I had never spoke to her, only she did not know herself where this sadness was coming from. Knowing I had to keep the smile on her face, I made the missing words into a scavenger hunt, I hid verses all over the house of words that were meant to spoken now. I watched as she playfully searched the house, she found the first verse hidden in the coffee pot, I watched the confusion play through her eyes, she couldn’t remember me ever saying that to her, her eyebrows shot up, a crooked grin lit her face as she realized what she was looking for; with a new excitement for this game she kept up the search. She found the second verse buried in the freezer, hidden under the Ice Cream no one really ate, the third verse was carefully placed in one of her notebooks, that verse was meant to be wrote into one of her stories; it belonged there. I dreamt that she spent the next hour searching for the final verse, I watched and waited as she grew tired and impatient and on the verge of giving up. She looked at me angry and desperate to read the final verse, I dreamt that I walked over to her a smile across my own face, I grabbed both her hands despite her anger and urge to pull away from me, I felt her body loosen as I pulled her close to me “It’s here” I said as I spoke words that could only be true “I love you” her smile. I dreamt that.. well it’s my dream, somethings are meant for only me.
So in love with yesterday
I completely forgot about today
Tomorrow takes too long to arrive
While yesterday, I have already survived.
When you call for me
I need to you know
Everything is different now
The cause all my own
When you call for me
I will not answer
Your voice once as beautiful as the falling snow
It stays in my head
It becomes bitter and cold
When you call for me
I ask that you know
You no longer hold the feeling
Of a cool breeze on a hot summer day
Like the mark of a sunburn on my skin exposed
You just bring me pain
When you call for me
I want you to look to the sky
Do you see that bird flying so high?
She is on a path somewhere you cannot go
I need you to stop and imagine
That bird is me soaring away from you
When you call for me
Look straight ahead
You see the beautiful oak tree?
I am no longer sitting underneath those leafs
Writing poetry or dreaming of thee
When you call for me
I will never know
This love has been disconnected
This is the last time I answer that phone
When you call for me
I hope you remember these words
I hope they chill you to the bone
No, it’s your time to feel the unknown
She took my hand
And tried to make me understand
She kissed my lips
And left me in bliss
Now I don’t know what to do
How I’d ever live without you
I need you here
Not only in my heart
I miss your voice
I miss your touch
Why would you say you loved me so
When you would never spend time with me
Not even to go out to lunch
You took my hand
You slid on a ring
What should I do?
Why should I have time for you?
When you have none for me
You live on the other side of town
Where you were that golden crown
Your words can only go so far
While I sit around and wait
poem I wrote when I was 15-16, I wrote it shortly after the death of my best friend; my only friend.
These pills I pop
These drinks I down
I wonder how long it will take until
I’m cold and dead on this ground
My eyes can’t lie
It’s my heart that’s broken
You left me
And I can’t live without you
I miss you so much
My pain gets me to act this way
I don’t know what to do
This drink takes away a few memories in a glass
But the sad thing
I know in the morning they will be back
If there is a god
He’ll take my life
I don’t want to be around
Because you’ll never be back
I don’t want and I don’t deserve another chance
You were too good to be true
I never wanted to lose sight of you
I truly loved you
When you leave, the thought of you remains, containing nothing to spite the pain. Pleasuring moments are no longer happy, saying I love you wont kill the argument. Your arms no longer are they safe. The sun becomes the moon, hiding in the darkness we are no more.
Am I wrong in this thought or has everyone had that someone they let get away with too much for too long? I like to believe that everyone has had that someone, it’s comforting. I know a few people who do and I always think; what is wrong with them? why can’t they see them for what they really are and move on? Then I realized it was happening to me.
10 years, that’s how long it took me, after 1 I should have walked away, probably sooner. When I finally realized all that was REALLY happening, I felt like a dumbass, acted like an idiot, blind to the truth and wtf was I thinking that whole time? there was a few times when I had moments of clarity and I knew this friendship was a terrible thing, that is was tearing me apart and I was completely unhappy but I kept going back, why? I thought there was a deep forbidden love hidden behind her actions and words. I thought she loved me and she was just scared of real love, so she ran and hid behind abusive relationships with other people and for 10 years she allowed me to believe that.
She fed into it to keep me where she wanted me because she knew how I felt, she kept in her net, alone, hurt and desperate for her attention. I was going to succeed and I was going to show her what love really is. She never wanted that tho, all she wanted was for me to remain her loyal human pet, her punching bag, someone she could treat the way she allowed others to treat her.
That’s her game she draws people in. I once asked her how many people had been in love with her? I knew the answer, just about everyone she had ever met. The truth is she lives for the abuse giving and receiving. I know now that she don’t know feelings or emotions, I don’t believe she feels them, she don’t understand them. What she does understand is marketing. With her complex network of people, what their uses are, how they benefit her and her only and when she starts to lose them she knows exactly how to pull them back in, I was the perfect client for her, a hopeless romantic who is socially awkward, loyal to the ones I love. She played that for so long. I watched her shun and leave her own kids behind for the sake of herself and whoever she was using for the time.
10 years, 10 freaking years was I stupid for that long? no, that’s just me, it takes a lot for me to give up on something I truly believe. I may stumble and fall but I refuse to give up, to walk away when I felt I could do something, make something better for someone, even if it hurt me in the process, physically, mentally and financially.
All the tears, heartbreak and pain those 10 years was from watching someone else have her, hold her, love her, with me sitting and watching, jealous and angry as they never treated her the way she deserved. They didn’t, they treated her the way she wanted, every one of them knew her better than I thought, they knew her better than I, all this so she can turn it around to make people feel bad for her, for having a hard life so she could draw them into her network with her sad stories and fake innocence she gives off. They think they can do her better, or promise to do such but it’s all the same. She could really make a career in marketing and networking if she were smart enough to realize or if she wasn’t so evil.
I am the type of person who looks beyond, I like details and knowing why. 9 months I have been free of her with no stumbling back, her life is no concern of mine and I do not wish or want to have any contact with her but I want to know why, I need to know every complete detail of who I was around her and why I let her get away with it for so long, not just the ones listed above I know there is more to me in this situation.
One time MY car window was busted out at her house on a saturday night, I found it sunday morning, I called KSP, filed a report, busted the rest out and took the car to a different location while I waited for my insurance company to send someone to fix it, went to my other job that I was late arriving to, got up monday morning and a friend of mine gave me a ride to my primary job, my mother picked me and took me to my car and I met the guy to fix the window. Now she made it about her, called everyone she knows, came out when the cops was there to tell her story, went to Facebook and made a post about how pissed she was that someone came on her property and busted HER car window out, called into work Monday morning. Our boss was more than a little surprised to see me there she said “I figured you wouldn’t be here today, Christina said she had to go get that settled and taken care of.” To which I responded “it’s all settled, the report has been filed, insurance was notified and it was my car window, I just need to leave early to me the guys replacing my window, I do not know what she’s doing.” That monday I went to her house to get my dog and I have not gone back.
It was not just that event that caused me to walk away, a while before that I wanted to, I had even lived in my car for a couple of months to get away from her, with nowhere else to go I would have been fine but my dog was not so I went back. Luckily right after that another and newer friend of mine invited me and my dog to stay with her, I did not want to burden her, I did not want to bring my troubles to her, 10 months later I am thankful that I finally took that offer, I have never been more me.
Yes, I’m doing fine
If anyone has the mind to inquire
You see, the weight of the world
It no longer brings me down
But wait, let me clarify
It’s not the whole world you see
No, just the weight of yours
Your heavy burden no longer keeps me grounded
Look and see my wrist are free
Those chains and locks
Well I found the key
All along it was inside of me
Kudos to you dear, you hid it well
They kept me in place
Looking around with no way to escape
At least, that is what you had me think
I smile now, this was no catastrophe
One look inside and I laugh at this pseudo tragedy
As I look behind all of that
High up on your concrete shrine
I saw this light, I noticed it’s shine
Too far out of reach
Then I realized you had unknowingly gave me all that I need
The chains, the locks, the weight of your life
It was more than enough
To tear this prison down
As I watched it all fumble to the ground
The light never lost its place
Shining brighter through the rubble
That’s where I found your once hidden key
I’ve never felt so alive now that I’m free
What about that mess I made?
Well darling, that’s yours to clean