So about the other night

I am drawing a complete blank, not a damn thing coming to mind all though i have too many thoughts in my head, not a single one of them goes together, if they do then I just cannot keep up, I cannot place them in the proper order.  Yes I have picked up the notebook and my favorite pen, scribbled and doodled all over it.  I have torn out exactly 5 pages and Xed through 10; I have taken some time to stop and read what others have wrote, been through a list of writing prompts (which turned out comical to me, I shall post that later) and here I am, writing this garbage again.  Blah blah blah am I really going through this stage again? So soon!

UGH!

The time was 9:32 PM, outside was dark, the weather calm and all the creatures of the night were settled in their favorite spots in the grass, trees and bushes.  I can’t really tell if they were all talking to each other, talking over each other, throwing a rad party of which that we will never witness or maybe these little creatures were just screaming, screaming their revenge for the amount of noise and the many times us humans disturb them during the day.  OH! One more theory; they may just be doing what I do when I am outside at night time, cussing out and yelling at the worst offenders; the mosquitoes.

The scene inside the house is a completely different story, there is but one light on, on the bottom floor of the house, probably a couple upstairs as well but no need to picture that I will not be writing about that part of the house.  We enter through the front door and please do not let those mosquitoes in! The first thing we will notice is the smell of coffee, always perfect this time of night.  It is a slightly tense atmosphere, Captain is on the computer working for a few extra bucks in her tie-dyed shirt and her sleeping shorts; determined to get as much done as possible to make up for the hours she is losing at work.  Not much to be said other than that, if you know her you know that posture… Stay clear she is anxious, stressed and in a hurry to get through those, we haven’t had a decent conversation in days but it’s ok because I know she works.  Next I was going to describe the sound of my dog pacing through the house, obsessively cleaning herself, and scratching wherever she can reach BUT as I looked over at her she stopped, mid scratch right next to the desk Captain is sitting at and gave me the weirdest look, OH SHIT.. She knows I am about to talk about her so moving on.

The couch; my home, my bed, my hangout and my writing space when the computer is occupied.  In this dimly lit room we hear the clicking of paws, the clicking of the computer mouse, the screaming bugs and a random thump, oh shit what have the cats done now? Pan over to me wearing an old pair of basketball shorts and a white tank top, pale legs and half tanned arms.  Sitting on the flowery old but reliable couch, (don’t need anything fancy with as many animals as we have new is bad.. 7 cats, 2 dogs and 2 turtles) This is where I am right now with crumbled up paper, empty pen, tablet, ashtray and Pina Colada flavored Sobe surrounding me.  With my trusty notebook in my lap and my 2nd favorite pen in my hand.  Unfortunately this is where this story ends, I am here I have been writing this real small hoping something wonderful will strike but time as caught up with me and this is still all I have.  Time 9:59 PM maybe I should call it a night?

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How much longer?

Sit and watch as the clock ticks time away

How long can I listen until it drives me insane?

How will I know when my time is up?

All of my best laying in waste

As time moves on without me

This much I can see

It will never stop and wait on me

When this realization strikes in my head

I ran to catch up with those ever moving hands

Running and chasing I can’t seem to get ahead in this race

Am I really running to beat the clock?

Time? The tick tock of the clock?

Time is something I will never catch

For the clock is cunning and sly like the fox

No matter what pace I dare to keep

Time is relentless it has never taken a break

That clock will always be ticking one second ahead of me

I will have to train and learn to keep its pace

That will be a greatness no one will ever defeat

When you call for me

 

When you call for me

I need to you know

Everything is different now

The cause all my own

When you call for me

I will not answer

Your voice once as beautiful as the falling snow

It stays in my head

It becomes bitter and cold

When you call for me

I ask that you know

You no longer hold the feeling

Of a cool breeze on a hot summer day

Like the mark of a sunburn on my skin exposed

You just bring me pain

When you call for me

I want you to look to the sky

Do you see that bird flying so high?

She is on a path somewhere you cannot go

I need you to stop and imagine

That bird is me soaring away from you

When you call for me

Look straight ahead

You see the beautiful oak tree?

I am no longer sitting underneath those leafs

Writing poetry or dreaming of thee

When you call for me

I will never know

This love has been disconnected

This is the last time I answer that phone

When you call for me

I hope you remember these words

I hope they chill you to the bone

No, it’s your time to feel the unknown

Your Golden Crown

 

She took my hand

And tried to make me understand

She kissed my lips

And left me in bliss

Now I don’t know what to do

How I’d ever live without you

I need you here

Not only in my heart

I miss your voice

I miss your touch

Why would you say you loved me so

When you would never spend time with me

Not even to go out to lunch

You took my hand

You slid on a ring

Why?

What should I do?

Why should I have time for you?

When you have none for me

You live on the other side of town

Where you were that golden crown

Your words can only go so far

While I sit around and wait

You Left Me

poem I wrote when I was 15-16, I wrote it shortly after the death of my best friend; my only friend.

 

These pills I pop

These drinks I down

I wonder how long it will take until

I’m cold and dead on this ground

My eyes can’t lie

It’s my heart that’s broken

You left me

And I can’t live without you

I miss you so much

My pain gets me to act this way

I don’t know what to do

This drink takes away a few memories in a glass

But the sad thing

I know in the morning they will be back

If there is a god

He’ll take my life

I don’t want to be around

Because you’ll never be back

I don’t want and I don’t deserve another chance

You were too good to be true

I never wanted to lose sight of you

I truly loved you

 

We are no more but I am me.

When you leave, the thought of you remains, containing nothing to spite the pain.  Pleasuring moments are no longer happy, saying I love you wont kill the argument.  Your arms no longer are they safe.  The sun becomes the moon, hiding in the darkness we are no more.

 

Am I wrong in this thought or has everyone had that someone they let get away with too much for too long? I like to believe that everyone has had that someone, it’s comforting.  I know a few people who do and I always think; what is wrong with them? why can’t they see them for what they really are and move on? Then I realized it was happening to me.

10 years, that’s how long it took me, after 1 I should have walked away, probably sooner.  When I finally realized all that was REALLY happening, I felt like a dumbass, acted like an idiot, blind to the truth and wtf was I thinking that whole time?  there was a few times when I had moments of clarity and I knew this friendship was a terrible thing, that is was tearing me apart and I was completely unhappy but I kept going back, why? I thought there was a deep forbidden love hidden behind her actions and words.  I thought she loved me and she was just scared of real love, so she ran and hid behind abusive relationships with other people and for 10 years she allowed me to believe that.

She fed into it to keep me where she wanted me because she knew how I felt, she kept in her net, alone, hurt and desperate for her attention.  I was going to succeed and I was going to show her what love really is.  She never wanted that tho, all she wanted was for me to remain her loyal human pet, her punching bag, someone she could treat the way she allowed others to treat her.

That’s her game she draws people in.  I once asked her how many people had been in love with her? I knew the answer, just about everyone she had ever met. The truth is she lives for the abuse giving and receiving.  I know now that she don’t know feelings or emotions, I don’t believe she feels them, she don’t understand them.  What she does understand is marketing.  With her complex network of people, what their  uses are, how they benefit her and her only and when she starts to lose them she knows exactly how to pull them back in, I was the perfect client for her, a hopeless romantic who is socially awkward, loyal to the ones I love.  She played that for so long.  I watched her shun and leave her own kids behind for the sake of herself and whoever she was using for the time.

10 years, 10 freaking years was I stupid for that long? no, that’s just me, it takes a lot for me to give up on something I truly believe.  I may stumble and fall but I refuse to give up, to walk away when I felt I could do something, make something better for someone, even if it hurt me in the process, physically, mentally and financially.

All the tears, heartbreak and pain those 10 years was from watching someone else have her, hold her, love her, with me sitting and watching, jealous and angry as they never treated her the way she deserved.  They didn’t, they treated her the way she wanted, every one of them knew her better than I thought, they knew her better than I, all this so she can turn it around to make people feel bad for her, for having a hard life so she could draw them into her network with her sad stories and fake innocence she gives off.  They think they can do her better, or promise to do such but it’s all the same.  She could really make a career in marketing and networking if she were smart enough to realize or if she wasn’t so evil.

I am the type of person who looks beyond, I like details and knowing why.  9 months I have been free of her with no stumbling back, her life is no concern of mine and I do not wish or want to have any contact with her but I want to know why, I need to know every complete detail of who I was around her and why I let her get away with it for so long, not just the ones listed above I know there is more to me in this situation.

One time MY car window was busted out at her house on a saturday night, I found it sunday morning,  I called KSP, filed a report, busted the rest out and took the car to a different location while I waited for my insurance company to send someone to fix it, went to my other job that I was late arriving to, got up monday morning and a friend of mine gave me a ride to my primary job, my mother picked me and took me to my car and I met the guy to fix the window.  Now she made it about her, called everyone she knows, came out when the cops was there to tell her story, went to Facebook and made a post about how pissed she was that someone came on her property and busted HER car window out, called into work Monday morning.  Our boss was more than a little surprised to see me there she said “I figured you wouldn’t be here today, Christina said she had to go get that settled and taken care of.” To which I responded “it’s all settled, the report has been filed, insurance was notified and it was my car window, I just need to leave early to me the guys replacing my window, I do not know what she’s doing.”  That monday I went to her house to get my dog and I have not gone back.

It was not just that event that caused me to walk away, a while before that I wanted to, I had even lived in my car  for a couple of months to get away from her, with nowhere else to go I would have been fine but my dog was not so I went back.  Luckily right after that another and newer friend of mine invited me and my dog to stay with her, I did not want to burden her, I did not want to bring my troubles to her, 10 months later I am thankful that I finally took that offer, I have never been more me.